How to Visit Shropshire

Many of my fans ask me "Steve, how may I visit Shropshire?" while others merely ask "I want to visit Shropshire - How do I go about it?"

There is no easy answer - or at least I haven’t found one - and do bear in mind that I’ve wanted to visit Shropshire for years and still haven’t managed it, so my advice isn’t foolproof. Nevertheless I do have some really good pointers.

First of all, avoid the rip off books such as "How to Visit Shropshire" - A free guide published by Shropshire County Council -

Far better to struggle using my methods than to take the so called easy route - don’t fall for it - as a rule of thumb, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is -

for instance, you may see a bus saying "SHROPSHIRE" on the front and the driver may only want a small fee for taking you there - but trust me, this is an obvious con - if it was that easy, everybody would be doing it and I would have succeeded getting to Shropshire myself by now if all the buses saying "Shropshire" on the front really were going that way -

I’m proud to say I’ve never fallen for that old con, not even once and I LIVE there (or at least I’ve bought a house there which I hope to see one day in the not too distant future.)

Secondly, every morning, ask yourself "Do I really want to go to Shropshire?" and if the answer is YES, then keep trying. Persistence is the key. Just think - the day you give up may have been the day you succeeded in getting to Shropshire.

Thirdly, every evening before bedtime, ask yourself "Have I already been to Shropshire?" - if the answer is YES, try to remember how you did it and tell me. If the answer is NO, you’re probably trying to hard - Studies show that out of all the people trying to visit Shropshire and failing to do so, more than HALF of them were trying too hard and the other half weren’t trying at all -

So the key is PERSISTENCE and COMMITMENT but NOT to the point of obsession - relax - visit Shanghai, read a book (may I suggest you purchase the unabridged edition of one of my other books such as HOW MOSES DISCOVERED TREACLE - a most relaxing read) - In the words of a person I once met who knew someone who visited Shropshire regularly because his Gran lives there,… all you have to do is "Try hard - but not too hard". Useful words, John. Hope your Gran is better now.

Fourthly, every day, about noon, ask yourself "Where is Shropshire?" and you’ll feel like you’re almost there - don’t worry if other people seem to get to Shropshire before you - there will always be competitive people who will enjoy teasing you with rumours that you can get there on the bus for a quid - don’t let them get to you - keep looking for the secret Shropshire Tunnel and have your false papers at the ready just in case the guards are twitchy - there may not be any guards, there may not even be a secret tunnel but let’s face it, there must be.

Fifthly, every day have a bath and dress smartly, just in case you stumble on Shropshire.

Sixthly, every Sunday complete your journal - a hard backed book entitled "What I did this week to try to visit Shropshire" - and make sure that each week you have tried at least twelve new ways to visit Shropshire. If one of them nearly works, tear out that page and glue it to the TV screen and stare at it for hours - after all, there may be a better way!

Seventhly - every day, ask yourself "Have I asked myself everything I need to ask myself relating to Shropshire, today?" If the answer is YES, then ask yourself again and keep on asking until the answer is NO - then simply write down that idea on the back of a roll of wallpaper - Take solace in the fact that when the roll is full you will have probably been to Shropshire -

You need a GOAL - It is TARGETS such as these that will eventually get you to Shropshire - Some smart Alec’s suggest that visiting Shropshire is in itself the best possible goal and that you can get there on the number 72 bus- but what do Shropshire County Council know about the subject I have studied for over a fortnight? Nothing! - that’s what.

Eighthly - every day, show your roll of wall paper to a friend and see what they have to say. You may not have any friends if your desire to go to Shropshire is so intense that you dedicate every waking moment to your goal - take time out to meet new people - some of them may live in Shropshire and know how to get there! You never know your luck - Fact is stranger than fiction. It truly is. Only the other day I was thinking how you can buy milk almost anywhere these days and yet aliens haven’t landed. Maybe it isn’t really milk - there has to be an explanation.

Ninthly - go to bed regularly - you’ll never get to Shropshire if you’re tired - Even people who HAVE been to Shropshire go to bed now and then.

Tenthly - invest in making your own maps - don’t rely on others to do this for you - Like they say, if you want a job doing well, you’ve got to do it yourself! This is why I generate my own electricity - now I know the voltage won’t fluctuate. (unless I turn on the kettle and the TV at the same time of course) - But that’s by the bye.

Yes, I’d definitely recommend you make your own maps - Sure, you can buy maps cheap enough, many of them even claiming to pinpoint Shropshire and many fake roads supposedly leading to it - One map maker even had the audacity to show a railway line - as if ! -

Remember what I said at the start - if it sounds too good to be true it most probably is. No harm in having a look at these "fantasy maps" as I call them, but if there are no secret tunnels marked, well, then you know you are dealing with timewasters. (And remember, Nelson had to make his own maps of the Sahara)

Eleventhly - ask yourself every day "Am I already in Shropshire?" - if the answer is YES, then think about going somewhere else - choose from my "How to go to…" series. If you’re not sure, pick up the phone and ask the operator where you are.

Twelvethly, every hour, ask yourself this question and try not to lie - "Do I honestly believe I will get to Shropshire?" - If you don’t believe it with all your heart, no wonder you’re not there yet!- Get down on bended knee and pray to God the following Shropshire prayer. (It’s never worked but there’s always a first time.)

Dear God, I want to visit Shropshire

Thou must knoweth where it is

I love Shropshire egg and ham

Oh please guide me oh Lord Oh please do

And all good people who want to visit Shropshire too

But have difficulty in doing so,

For whatever reason, oh

Let us all find Shropshire before we become disenchanted with the whole idea

Then and only then will we love thee for ever more, we really will

But this is not a threat - merely symptomatic of our deep desire

To see Shropshire,

That place you so lovingly created one Saturday afternoon

Secret Tunnel and all

So guide us Lord to find the secret tunnel

And let our identity papers not be inspected too closely

By the Shropshire Police,

Known for their harsh sense of on-the-spot justice -

Huh! justice! Where the fuck is it

And where the fuck is Shropshire

Oh just show me the way -

Thank you Lord

Yours sincerely, love and kisses, see you next Sunday

Amen

You can set the prayer to music if you wish but I have tried and it doesn’t scan too well and doesn’t rhyme and is badly constructed and is meaningless to a higher being who hath no special interest in Shropshire, and after all, God did create the Universe, so it’s a bit insulting to insinuate you ONLY want to visit Shropshire - No wonder it hasn’t worked - so personally, I would start again.

Thirteenthly - Every day, ask yourself "Am I sincere" and if the answer is YES, be MORE sincere, even if you have to fake it. God won’t know, I promise - I mean, it wouldn’t be a very nice God if he went round being suspicious of your motives all the time - pile on the sincerity - cry if you can - this will break Gods heart and he will consider showing you the entrance to Shropshire - Don’t be embarrassed having to grovel to God - there’s only him/her/it listening and he/she/it isn’t laughing or sticking his/her/it’s fingers down his/her/it’s throat implying you’re making him/her/it want to vomit.

In fact, God probably doesn’t have fingers, - or, come to think of it maybe He does - I guess he would need fingers in order to manipulate the huge map of the universe in order to find Shropshire - Additional evidence that God has fingers is the fact that a tramp once told me that God has every bus time table in the world - so if there really was a bus to Shropshire, God would have sent us a sign but he hasn’t so there isn’t! Get it into your head - there isn’t a bus to Shropshire - Life isn’t that easy.

Fourteenthly - I cannot emphasise enough that you keep looking for the secret Shropshire Tunnel and have your false papers ready.

Fifteenthly, I would like to also emphasise all the previous points again, except the very last point, which is already a re-emphasis - so please read all of this again, except for the very last point and, of course, this point or you will be going around in circles and you will never get to Shropshire, even if there was a bus there. (which there isn’t)

Good luck in visiting Shropshire.